For as long as I can remember I’ve lived with my grandmother. Being born in the 80s at the peak of the crack epidemic, both of my parents were deeply immersed with the celebrity lifestyle. Drugs, sex and fast money seemed to be prioritized over parenthood. My parents separated early on and I never experienced one moment that they were actually together, the fact was, their lifestyle had no room for me. I was told a couple of different stories regarding the age my mother decided to leave me in the care of my grandmother, all I can say is I don’t remember a time that I wasn’t there.

During my childhood through my teen years my mother had several run-ins with the law and her involvement with white-collar crime left her on the run. When I was able to see her it was usually short and sweet, bitter sweet I should say because I longed for her to stay with me. Not having my mother, specifically caused emotional trauma which left me oftentimes feeling very disconnected with my family and even myself. On the flipside, in regards to my father, that relationship was never truly developed due to his lack of presence. I learned to live without him. Despite the fact that I had an abundance of love from my grandmother, papa, uncles etc. it still left me with an empty feeling, a feeling of low worth and abandonment.

Although I’m grateful for my mothers decision to leave me with my grandmother opposed being put into the foster care system, my environment, although it was loving, was not the best. I was raised with five uncles, my uncle Richie being killed when I was only seven was a start of me noticing that my uncles were not to be played with. Everyone knew not to bother my grandmother‘s house or the people in it. Fights, drunks, people overdosing on drugs, police raids, drive-by shootings were very normal to me. From the outside it may not have looked that way, but because of the activity that surrounded my grandmother's house, there were often rumors that circulated which made it nearly impossible for me to have friends over. 

It was not until the pandemic I started to notice how my childhood traumas were showing up in my adult life. My relationship with my oldest daughter started to become strained and during an argument she expressed to me how my resentful actions toward my mother showed her how to treat me disrespectfully. That was more hurtful to me than the actual abandoned feeling I felt from my parents when I was a child. I started feeling like I was ruining the relationship between my daughter and I. In the same moment, the wake up call with my daddy issues surfaced during couples therapy with my husband. During a session, I had a breakthrough where I realized I was holding him accountable for the failures of my father, and not giving him a true chance when it came to me trusting him with certain parts of my heart.

Once I realized how those traumas were affecting my daily life I sat down and I started to do something that I used to do when I was a child, I started to write. I called my mom and we spoke about healing. In our healing conversation we decided to do a therapy session which opened up an opportunity for us to put our traumas into perspective with one another and led to us to write a television series about her life and how her choices affected me, as well as our individual healing journeys. In the midst of that I learned that my mother had her own childhood traumas that she was dealing with and I was able to see her on a level I wasn’t able to before. 

During our journey we decided to extend our hand to others who experienced the same mental and emotional trauma due to incarceration. Currently, we’re developing a docu-series called Project Heavy, Breaking the Mental and Emotional Chains of Incarceration. My husband and I also developed a nonprofit 501(c)(3) organization called Mixed Behavior Foundation, inspired by our blended family and our individual childhood traumas. Our organization focuses on youth mental health and wellness and also provides family support services.